I had mentioned a little bit ago that I was taking time to pray and just spend with God and that I would write about that soon. I took a little bit more time because I really wanted to know what God was doing in my life. In two days I will be 27 years old, in a previous post I had mentioned how when I was 16 I had my whole life planned out. I’d meet Mr. Right in high school, we’d be married by 23, live across the street from my parents, and my husband and I would have a dog and three kids. I had everything planned. At 16 years old I could have never imagined that at 27 none of those plans would have happened. Over the last month I’ve been seeking God, venting my disappointments of broken dreams and years of plans that didn’t happen. I spent a good two weeks mourning the ‘wants’ in my life, the could have beens, should have beens, that never became a reality. I cried and I prayed conveying my frustrations and my hurts. There were times I panicked in the process of conveying my disappointments thinking of how I wanted 3 children and how I wanted my life to look and that these things probably wouldn’t happen now because even if I met someone tomorrow I probably wouldn’t be married until I was 30 and the whole timing is just so messed up. It was in that time I realized I’ve always said I trusted God with this area of my life but He has in the last month shown me just how much I didn’t. I think we all have that thing in our lives that we say we trust God with but just as soon as we place it in His hands we take it back again. I took awhile to start this article because I wanted to see what God was trying to show me before talking about it. The beginning stages of allowing God into this area of my life was difficult but growth always is, healing always is a process.
In the time I took, God and I had a lot of heart to hearts. After the venting and the mourning came the surrendering. Self is a long road that often takes us along time to get to the end of but when we do God always knows what to say. The more I told God about the things that bothered me, the things that didn’t work out or happen the more He started to show me myself. God started to show me the things in myself that needed to change. The places I went wrong, the weaknesses, the character flaws, the why things didn’t happen when I thought they should have, He showed me the past and the present. I started to realize that He knew the whole time what was best and my attempts to control were actually holding me back not advancing me in His plan for my life. The need to control was really a lack of trust and that wasn’t going to work. God showed me in a time of prayer that He keeps His promises and that I could trust that. God showed me that the only thing I can control is the choices I make.
I could either surrender to His will and trust His plan or I could try to continue to control everything and try to make things go my way but would ultimately fail in myself. God showed me that I can not plan what I don’t know, that only He knows what happens next in my life. He has given me small steps to take that will bring me to the destination He has that I honestly have no clue what it is. While I am somewhat nervous about where He is leading me He is reminding me each day that Faith isn’t about seeing but about trusting Him and being certain of what I can’t see. I can’t see but God can and I’ve learned that I can either be obedient and receive what He has for me or I can do things my way. Unfortunately my way won’t get me anywhere. So I am surrendering to what God wants for my life, even if it doesn’t look anything like I imagined.
God has shown me that maybe the things I thought I always wanted are not really what I want. God is showing me that maybe I wanted those things the way I wanted them and when I wanted them only because I don’t have the sight to see what He has in store. That maybe just maybe I’m not thinking big enough. Not because a family and children at 23 is not a big enough ambition but because what God has planned is always better than what we plan for ourselves. Whether His plan is a family, or missions, or a single life. Whatever the plan I’m ready to trust Him and to move forward. I want to push more into ministry and work to help others. Particularly single people, because God has shown me in the last month that a single life can be amazing if we let Him lead. So yes I will be 27 years old in two days, I am not married, not even close. By 16 year old me’s standards I have failed but I have learned that I have not failed by God’s and so God helped me put 16 year old me’s dreams to rest so that 27 year old me can dream new dreams and move forward and do His will in this season.
I am very grateful for God’s mercy and for His patience and for His goodness. I am seeing more clearly and growing more and more each day. With God I know my future is going to be a good one even if it doesn’t look the way I thought it should. I am counting my blessings and growing in Him and seeing things differently than I did before. I’m learning to love a single life to the fullest and how to live the life God has for me and it is truly amazing and better than I imagined for myself.
What is the thing in your life that you’ve been trying to control? What are some of the dreams you’ve had that didn’t happen in the time frame you thought they should have? What are some disappointments and fears you struggle with? If you are in a season similar to mine I encourage you to take time with God and seek His will. God knows what is best for you and He will guide you if you ask a Him to. The Bible says that if we seek Him with all our hearts we will find Him. Maybe it’s time to take some time to have a heart to heart with God. It’s the only way to find fulfillment and to see clearly. God’s will for your life is amazing and you can trust that He knows what is best.